Death and dying a review of beliefs

Sometimes in life there are moments that seem insignificant to one person and they are life changing to another. We often fail realize how frail and significant each second is, until we have to count them. The most momentous event of my life began with a nurse and ended with the death of my father. I sat next to my father he was pale and cool and at times gasp for air like a fish out of water. I would watch each struggle for breath and pray for the next. I felt so numb, I was sure if I placed a match under my hand, I would not feel the heat. My sister sat silently on the other side of the bed looking into the same faraway place as my Father. Maybe we were dying with him?

At fifteen I knew that my siblings and I were losing our entire world. The nurse spoke to other adults in the room, as if we all had invisible veil over us that prevented us from hearing. The nurse said in a matter a fact tone; these children have no one to take care of them now that their father is gone. I don’t think you will have difficulty placing the two infants but, two teenage girls no one will want them. Their mother is severely disabled and unable to care for them. My voice was yelling inside me, don’t you see us? He’s not dead? When did my sister and I become insignificant? Save him! The pain that was welling inside me, became a hard knot in my throat, not a whisper could escape.

The silence in the room after the adults left was only broken by my silent screams to God. God how could you let this happen to my father? My Father always served you as a Chaplin, he needs you?  My father began to thrash in the bed and moan more. I ran into the hallway, I told his nurse who was behind the desk laughing on the phone. She stated I don’t have time for this right now, go back to the room with him. She continued her conversation as if I was not present.    

     I returned to the room my sister was holding my father so tightly it was as if she was trying to keep him from leaving us. He took his last breath.  Panic filled the room doctors and nurses flooded in; we were rushed out of the room. Where were they before this? Did they not know my Father was our whole life? My Father’s death is the driving force behind every feeling, belief, value, and attitude, I have held my entire life, and his death only intensified them. My father believed “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). His death would be the catalyst that would test the beliefs he had lived by. Would his legacy live on in his children?

My world view is I am Christian. I believe Jesus is the son of God. Jesus came to earth, was born of a virgin, took the body of a man and died on the cross to make atonement for the sins of the world. I believe the Bible is the inherent word of God. I believe the purpose life is to build a relationship with God and learn trust, faith, as well as obedience. I believe bad things happen in this life because; we live in a fallen world. I believe God can turn the worst things that happen to you into your most sacred blessings.  I believe all those who trust Jesus will not die but, have a home in heaven. My life is a testimony to the truth he tells the world in Bible.

After my father’s death, my faith would be tested. The suffering would be almost unbearable but, in that suffering I would learn to hear the soft whispers of my Heavenly Father. I was once told that farmers always look for land in a valley to plant because, that is where the ground is most fertile. I believe this is where God does most the planting of seeds of hope and faith in people souls also. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

 The state was able to find a placement that would keep us all together but, the women who took us made it very clear to my sister and myself she did not want teenagers but, we were a packaged deal. The next several years would prove to be very difficult. My faith and trust in God would be tested, to the point I believed my heart would break. The one bright spot in my life was I would be staying in the same school and could continue in the vocational nursing program I had begun.

I knew if I complete the program there would be hope for my future.  The nurse that cared for my father that day probably does not remember anything about my family but, I still remember her full name. I vowed that if I ever became a nurse, I would never become a nurse like her. I promised God, the day that I completed the nursing program twenty years ago that, I would use my profession to serve him. I would treat every person as if they were a child of God, lost in sin or otherwise. I would always take time for my patients regardless of how busy I was. I would advocate for pain control and would speak to the patient not above them.

I cannot separate my world view from who I am. As a nurse it is not my right to force my world view on those I care for. I am careful not to place unneeded pain on others because, of my own views or cultural beliefs. I strive for a therapeutic relationship with all my patients. I demonstrate my beliefs and the love of Christ, in the way I conduct my life and myself. When I care for dying patient and family, I have found that silence and allowing them to talk is one of the best approaches.

 Once I was asked by the family of an elderly Indian man if I could wrap him in a white sheet, place six rocks around his body, open the window and recite a specific prayer immediately after his death. The elderly man made me reassure him that it would be done, if his family did not arrive. The family was stuck in the airport due to a blizzard. I agreed. Many of the Christian nurses I worked with scolded me and another nurse for agreeing to do such a thing.  The other nurse and I felt if these actions brought comfort to the patient and family during this very crucial time in their life, then we were serving God. God opens the ways for people to receive his word not me. The best way to show others of his grace and mercy is through my life and actions.  I am not a perfect nurse but I can truly say; I have done my best over the last twenty years.

As my own hair begins to gray and the reality of my own mortality quickens, the frailty of life is all two evident. I have come to understand the kindness and love; is the only thing in this life that will live on after my own death. Death has had the most profound impact of all the events of my life because, without it I would not have found my life’s purpose. In the deepest darkest part of the valley God found me and planted a seed that would grow into the greatest joy of my life. I am a registered nurse who will soon be a foster mother, who takes in girls without homes. When I provide care to my patients and families during their darkest hour, I will provide comfort just like my Heavenly father. I will walk with my patients; they will decide the distance, pace, route, destination and when to climb the mountain tops.