a great article I found written by Wendy Dawn
Are you a people pleaser, robbing yourself of joy and worth to make sure that others around you are happy? You probably already know the answer. You know how many times you have sacrificed your own plans, ideas, and happiness to make everyone else happy. You know that you are not someone who likes to "rock the boat," so you keep quiet when it comes to new ideas, self fulfillment, or speaking up.
Behavior of people pleasers
People pleasers generally act the same way regardless of their environment. At home, you put your needs on the back shelf to make sure even the pettiest wants of others are met first. You don't want to be selfish.
On the job, you have great ideas about how to improve a project or service, but keep quiet because someone else has offered a solution. Even though it is less effective than your own creative ideas, you don't want to step on anyone's toes.
In social groups or organizations you end up fulfilling other's responsibilities because you want to be dependable. You are afraid if you do not step in on behalf of the slackers the entire group or event will fall apart.
Danger of being a people pleaser
There are a myriad of reasons why individuals become people pleasers. If you find that you are a people pleaser that is something that you may want to explore with a licensed therapist or trusted friend at some point.
The most important thing at this point is to recognize the danger of being a people pleaser. Not only do you enable others to not take responsibility for themselves, you undermine your own self worth. People pleasing is a self-destructive behavior.
Generosity, good will, service, and acceptance of others are all admirable traits. Each time you place others needs, wants, desires, ideas, and plans above your own, for no reason other than to keep the peace, you kill a little bit of yourself. You risk becoming bitter, without understanding why. You may live a busy life, but feel unfulfilled. You may come to resent people and places, who may have wronged you, but only because you allowed yourself to become a doormat.
Signs of a people pleaser
Overcoming people pleasing behavior, like any wrong thinking or habit, can only begin once you acknowledge that you are a people pleaser. Changing your behavior may be difficult, but it is not impossible.
See if any of the following people pleasing behaviors are present in your life:
* I do more out of a sense of duty or obligation than a sincere desire to contribute.
* I do not speak out decisively for fear of hurting someone else's feelings or fear that they may disagree with me.
* I live without a sense of boundaries. People tend to move in and out of my personal space, life, and decisions with ease, while I sit back, afraid of offending someone if I say, "No."
* I make many decisions based on others' expectations, not my own feelings, beliefs, or desires.
* People do not know the real me, because I most often keep myself hidden. It keeps me from being hurt by people who don't like me and allows me to function in service to others.
Overcoming people pleasing
Volumes have been written on how to overcome living a miserable life as a people pleaser.
Two notable books on the subject are:
Drs. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life . This work speaks directly about the need for personal boundaries, including the ability to say "No." Boundariesis an excellent resource for anyone struggling with people pleasing behavior, but I found it especially helpful for Christians struggling to balance the call to serve others with the call to fulfill my destiny on earth. You don't have to be a Christian to benefit from Boundaries. You will not find it offensive, but professionally written, clear, and easy to understand.
Les Carter, PHD, When Pleasing You is Killing Me. This is a tough and soul-piercing look at your life as a people pleaser. It is a workbook designed for use by groups, but can be studied alone. Carter doesn't tip-toe around the subject. He has seen too any people sacrifice their life to the point of living as dead men to broach the subject with kid gloves. When Pleasing You is Killing Me addresses not only people pleasing behavior, but the negative consequences of that behavior in your life.
Don't expect to whiz through either of these books, or the personal issue of living life as a people pleaser. As an adult, you have ingrained your mind and heart that people pleasing is a way of life. In so doing, you have robbed yourself of many of the things you were meant to do and be in life. Reversing or even tweaking the thought process takes time.
If you are a people pleaser take a serious, introspective look at your life. Are you happy? Do you find yourself enabling negative behaviors of others? Are there things in life that you want to do that you have never allowed yourself to do because of what others might think?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is time to re-think how you are living. Begin now, before you give away the rest of your time on this earth without fulfilling your destiny and without being happy.
Sources:
Drs Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Carter, Les, PhD. (2007). When Pleasing You is Killing Me. Nashville, TN: BH Publishing Group.
Behavior of people pleasers
People pleasers generally act the same way regardless of their environment. At home, you put your needs on the back shelf to make sure even the pettiest wants of others are met first. You don't want to be selfish.
On the job, you have great ideas about how to improve a project or service, but keep quiet because someone else has offered a solution. Even though it is less effective than your own creative ideas, you don't want to step on anyone's toes.
In social groups or organizations you end up fulfilling other's responsibilities because you want to be dependable. You are afraid if you do not step in on behalf of the slackers the entire group or event will fall apart.
Danger of being a people pleaser
There are a myriad of reasons why individuals become people pleasers. If you find that you are a people pleaser that is something that you may want to explore with a licensed therapist or trusted friend at some point.
The most important thing at this point is to recognize the danger of being a people pleaser. Not only do you enable others to not take responsibility for themselves, you undermine your own self worth. People pleasing is a self-destructive behavior.
Generosity, good will, service, and acceptance of others are all admirable traits. Each time you place others needs, wants, desires, ideas, and plans above your own, for no reason other than to keep the peace, you kill a little bit of yourself. You risk becoming bitter, without understanding why. You may live a busy life, but feel unfulfilled. You may come to resent people and places, who may have wronged you, but only because you allowed yourself to become a doormat.
Signs of a people pleaser
Overcoming people pleasing behavior, like any wrong thinking or habit, can only begin once you acknowledge that you are a people pleaser. Changing your behavior may be difficult, but it is not impossible.
See if any of the following people pleasing behaviors are present in your life:
* I do more out of a sense of duty or obligation than a sincere desire to contribute.
* I do not speak out decisively for fear of hurting someone else's feelings or fear that they may disagree with me.
* I live without a sense of boundaries. People tend to move in and out of my personal space, life, and decisions with ease, while I sit back, afraid of offending someone if I say, "No."
* I make many decisions based on others' expectations, not my own feelings, beliefs, or desires.
* People do not know the real me, because I most often keep myself hidden. It keeps me from being hurt by people who don't like me and allows me to function in service to others.
Overcoming people pleasing
Volumes have been written on how to overcome living a miserable life as a people pleaser.
Two notable books on the subject are:
Drs. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life . This work speaks directly about the need for personal boundaries, including the ability to say "No." Boundariesis an excellent resource for anyone struggling with people pleasing behavior, but I found it especially helpful for Christians struggling to balance the call to serve others with the call to fulfill my destiny on earth. You don't have to be a Christian to benefit from Boundaries. You will not find it offensive, but professionally written, clear, and easy to understand.
Les Carter, PHD, When Pleasing You is Killing Me. This is a tough and soul-piercing look at your life as a people pleaser. It is a workbook designed for use by groups, but can be studied alone. Carter doesn't tip-toe around the subject. He has seen too any people sacrifice their life to the point of living as dead men to broach the subject with kid gloves. When Pleasing You is Killing Me addresses not only people pleasing behavior, but the negative consequences of that behavior in your life.
Don't expect to whiz through either of these books, or the personal issue of living life as a people pleaser. As an adult, you have ingrained your mind and heart that people pleasing is a way of life. In so doing, you have robbed yourself of many of the things you were meant to do and be in life. Reversing or even tweaking the thought process takes time.
If you are a people pleaser take a serious, introspective look at your life. Are you happy? Do you find yourself enabling negative behaviors of others? Are there things in life that you want to do that you have never allowed yourself to do because of what others might think?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is time to re-think how you are living. Begin now, before you give away the rest of your time on this earth without fulfilling your destiny and without being happy.
Sources:
Drs Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Carter, Les, PhD. (2007). When Pleasing You is Killing Me. Nashville, TN: BH Publishing Group.
Published by Wendy Dawn
Living the life of a people pleaser can be unpleasant and even harmful to your health. Trying to please others all the time can cause you to become stressed, depressed, and even angry. According to author and psychologist Les Carter, Ph.D., a life long pattern of pleasing people easily leads to depression and frustration. This is the result of expending too much time and energy trying to figure out what to do or how to behave to keep other people happy.
Before you can change people-pleasing behavior, you must first recognize whether you are a people pleaser. It is not an easy thing to admit, and even more difficult to change. If, however, you are willing to recognize the signs that indicate you are a people pleaser you can begin to work on changing your behavior to live a more happy and satisfied life.
Les Carter, Ph.D., in his book When Pleasing You is Killing Me, points out seven distinct signs of people pleasers. If you find that the 7 signs of a people pleaser is a reflection of your life, thought patterns, and behaviors it may be time to re-evaluate why you do what you do.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Duty is a primary motivator.
People pleasers don't tend to do what they are best at or what they most enjoy doing, they do what they feel compelled to do. Essentially, they give up choice and freedom because they feel obligated to perform certain duties and responsibilities. They do what they feel they are supposed to do, not what they want to do.
Living a life that is duty and obligation driven is very frustrating and unfulfilling. You lose out on the experiences and opportunities that you are best cut-out for and would most enjoy. One thing the field of personal coaching has taught us is that you take more responsibility and are more motivated to do those things which you choose to do.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Legitimate needs are quickly and easily set aside.
People pleasers too easily set aside the things they need in their life for contentment and success. This can include matters of survival like money, food, shelter, and clothes and emotional needs. People pleasers fail to focus on their own needs, prioritizing the needs of others, no matter how frivolous, above even their most basic needs to survive. People pleasers discount their own needs as unimportant, even when that isn't the case.
It is okay to say "no" when someone else's requests interfere with your needs.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Decisiveness makes you feel as if you are hurting others.
Assertiveness is not the same thing as selfishness. This is often difficult for people pleasers to internalize. It is important, however, to know that your decisions may influence the way a person feels, but they are not always the cause of another person being hurt. Sometimes others let you know they are hurt or disappointed because you have not served their self-interest or met their needs. They are not thinking about your priorities, they are thinking about their needs and desires. You are responsible for prioritizing your life. You are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions.
The idea of disappointing or hurting others is difficult for people pleasers to let go. It is as if they have, according to Dr. Carter, an overdeveloped conscience and tend to assume too much responsibility for the emotions and demands of others.
Being decisive may frustrate other people, but it is necessary if you ever intend to see to your own needs and responsibilities.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Finds it difficult to live within limits.
Everyone is limited in some way - by time, ability, influence, money, and other factors. Often, people pleasers push themselves beyond their limits to keep others happy. They attempt to live as if they have no limits. After all, they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by admitting that they do not have the capacity, means, or time to do something that is requested of them. This results in stress, frustration, anger, and even financial difficulties for the people pleaser.
While it is good to help others, it is also important to realize that your own resources are limited. If you don't, you may one day find out the hard way by burning out. People often want you to ignore the truth about your own limits because they are looking out for their own needs or interests, sometimes you have to do the same.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Is sensitive to judgment and criticism.
Right or wrong, we are all judged every day. We are judged by our achievements, looks, social skills, emotional expressions, priorities, failures, communication skills and a myriad of other random criteria. Despite the biblical admonition not to judge, people do it every day.
Judgments can offer you a gauge of how you are perceived, but it is harmful to begin owning others judgments of you. When what others think becomes the measuring stick for your success or failure you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, which can lead to anger at yourself and frustration for your inability to live up to other's expectations.
Doctor Carter admonishes that you cannot be so aware of the judgment of others that you stop being yourself. Certainly the judgments and opinions of some people in your life are more important than others, but you can be willing to hear what people have to say about you without taking it too seriously. When you do that you are allowing someone else to take the role of God in your life.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Feels the need to control life.
Not all people pleasers are being manipulated. Sometimes people perfect the art of people pleasing to push others aside to a lesser role so that they can be in charge. Some people pleasers feel the need to be in control, and the best way for them to maintain control is to try to do everything so that it is done their way.
There is a difference in maintaining structure and keeping everything under your control. You'll be happier, less stressed, and less angry if you realize that sometimes life is out of your control.
This is a very self-serving reason to be a people pleaser and will just as quickly and easily run you down and wear you out. Check your motives to make sure you are not pleasing others in an attempt to wield some control over them.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Is dishonest about who they are and what they want.
While this is a stinging indictment of people pleasers, it is also true. People pleasers never want to be thought of as liars, but the very act of living to others expectations and perceptions is dishonest. It allows others to perpetuate their beliefs about who you are and what you do.
Because people pleasers are not living true to themselves they create additional emotional baggage that complicates life. Their dishonesty only serves to distance them emotionally from others because no one really knows who they are. People pleasers are often not true to themselves, and people cannot get to know them because they are always portraying their role - that of a people pleaser.
Openness and disclosure are essential to a happy and healthy life and healthy relationships. Failure to be honest about who you are and what you want, Dr. Carter suggests, leads to emotional isolation, one of the compounding difficult ties of living life as a people pleaser.
In order to be happy and true to yourself, it is important to recognize people pleasing behavior. Label them for what they are, and begin to make efforts to change those behaviors.
That does not mean that you have to become self-centered and selfish, but it does give you the freedom to choose what you are best suited to do and what you want to do. Once you are operating on the principle of freedom and choice you will find it easier to take responsibility for what you do, greater motivation to do things well, and greater happiness and satisfaction in life.
Source:
Carter, Les, Ph. D. When Pleasing You is Killing Me: Workbook. 2007.
Living the life of a people pleaser can be unpleasant and even harmful to your health. Trying to please others all the time can cause you to become stressed, depressed, and even angry. According to author and psychologist Les Carter, Ph.D., a life long pattern of pleasing people easily leads to depression and frustration. This is the result of expending too much time and energy trying to figure out what to do or how to behave to keep other people happy.
Before you can change people-pleasing behavior, you must first recognize whether you are a people pleaser. It is not an easy thing to admit, and even more difficult to change. If, however, you are willing to recognize the signs that indicate you are a people pleaser you can begin to work on changing your behavior to live a more happy and satisfied life.
Les Carter, Ph.D., in his book When Pleasing You is Killing Me, points out seven distinct signs of people pleasers. If you find that the 7 signs of a people pleaser is a reflection of your life, thought patterns, and behaviors it may be time to re-evaluate why you do what you do.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Duty is a primary motivator.
People pleasers don't tend to do what they are best at or what they most enjoy doing, they do what they feel compelled to do. Essentially, they give up choice and freedom because they feel obligated to perform certain duties and responsibilities. They do what they feel they are supposed to do, not what they want to do.
Living a life that is duty and obligation driven is very frustrating and unfulfilling. You lose out on the experiences and opportunities that you are best cut-out for and would most enjoy. One thing the field of personal coaching has taught us is that you take more responsibility and are more motivated to do those things which you choose to do.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Legitimate needs are quickly and easily set aside.
People pleasers too easily set aside the things they need in their life for contentment and success. This can include matters of survival like money, food, shelter, and clothes and emotional needs. People pleasers fail to focus on their own needs, prioritizing the needs of others, no matter how frivolous, above even their most basic needs to survive. People pleasers discount their own needs as unimportant, even when that isn't the case.
It is okay to say "no" when someone else's requests interfere with your needs.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Decisiveness makes you feel as if you are hurting others.
Assertiveness is not the same thing as selfishness. This is often difficult for people pleasers to internalize. It is important, however, to know that your decisions may influence the way a person feels, but they are not always the cause of another person being hurt. Sometimes others let you know they are hurt or disappointed because you have not served their self-interest or met their needs. They are not thinking about your priorities, they are thinking about their needs and desires. You are responsible for prioritizing your life. You are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions.
The idea of disappointing or hurting others is difficult for people pleasers to let go. It is as if they have, according to Dr. Carter, an overdeveloped conscience and tend to assume too much responsibility for the emotions and demands of others.
Being decisive may frustrate other people, but it is necessary if you ever intend to see to your own needs and responsibilities.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Finds it difficult to live within limits.
Everyone is limited in some way - by time, ability, influence, money, and other factors. Often, people pleasers push themselves beyond their limits to keep others happy. They attempt to live as if they have no limits. After all, they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by admitting that they do not have the capacity, means, or time to do something that is requested of them. This results in stress, frustration, anger, and even financial difficulties for the people pleaser.
While it is good to help others, it is also important to realize that your own resources are limited. If you don't, you may one day find out the hard way by burning out. People often want you to ignore the truth about your own limits because they are looking out for their own needs or interests, sometimes you have to do the same.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Is sensitive to judgment and criticism.
Right or wrong, we are all judged every day. We are judged by our achievements, looks, social skills, emotional expressions, priorities, failures, communication skills and a myriad of other random criteria. Despite the biblical admonition not to judge, people do it every day.
Judgments can offer you a gauge of how you are perceived, but it is harmful to begin owning others judgments of you. When what others think becomes the measuring stick for your success or failure you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, which can lead to anger at yourself and frustration for your inability to live up to other's expectations.
Doctor Carter admonishes that you cannot be so aware of the judgment of others that you stop being yourself. Certainly the judgments and opinions of some people in your life are more important than others, but you can be willing to hear what people have to say about you without taking it too seriously. When you do that you are allowing someone else to take the role of God in your life.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Feels the need to control life.
Not all people pleasers are being manipulated. Sometimes people perfect the art of people pleasing to push others aside to a lesser role so that they can be in charge. Some people pleasers feel the need to be in control, and the best way for them to maintain control is to try to do everything so that it is done their way.
There is a difference in maintaining structure and keeping everything under your control. You'll be happier, less stressed, and less angry if you realize that sometimes life is out of your control.
This is a very self-serving reason to be a people pleaser and will just as quickly and easily run you down and wear you out. Check your motives to make sure you are not pleasing others in an attempt to wield some control over them.
7 Signs of a People Pleaser: Is dishonest about who they are and what they want.
While this is a stinging indictment of people pleasers, it is also true. People pleasers never want to be thought of as liars, but the very act of living to others expectations and perceptions is dishonest. It allows others to perpetuate their beliefs about who you are and what you do.
Because people pleasers are not living true to themselves they create additional emotional baggage that complicates life. Their dishonesty only serves to distance them emotionally from others because no one really knows who they are. People pleasers are often not true to themselves, and people cannot get to know them because they are always portraying their role - that of a people pleaser.
Openness and disclosure are essential to a happy and healthy life and healthy relationships. Failure to be honest about who you are and what you want, Dr. Carter suggests, leads to emotional isolation, one of the compounding difficult ties of living life as a people pleaser.
In order to be happy and true to yourself, it is important to recognize people pleasing behavior. Label them for what they are, and begin to make efforts to change those behaviors.
That does not mean that you have to become self-centered and selfish, but it does give you the freedom to choose what you are best suited to do and what you want to do. Once you are operating on the principle of freedom and choice you will find it easier to take responsibility for what you do, greater motivation to do things well, and greater happiness and satisfaction in life.
Source:
Carter, Les, Ph. D. When Pleasing You is Killing Me: Workbook. 2007.
